Joke of the Day

[Hunts]

Mother-in-law stops by her daughter's home in the late afternoon and walks in. She sees her daughter on the coach naked with soft music, dimmed lights, and wine being chilled. She asks what's going on? The daughter says her husband loves her in her birthday suit and whenever she does this, he's very surprised and happy and they have mad passionate love for hours. Mother-in-law leaves and while driving home decides to give her old man a thrill when he gets home from work, too.
Husband walks in and asks what's going on? Mother-in-law asks, how do you like my birthday suit? He walks by and says, your suit's wrinkled and needs ironing, and what's for dinner?

[mikie]

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan. m

[Muskie Pat]

I need to call my financial planner tomorrow, HA!

[Musky_18]

Too funny you all........keep them coming!!!!

[mikie]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

m

[JohnMD]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman from Alabama arrived ......and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
"Come on, baby... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down...
And squealed...
"YES!
YES!
I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up
her winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know.. I thought you
were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men.... are men

Jose and Julio sneak over the border from Mexico together. 10 years later they are still living in the same neighborhood, but Jose has a new Mercedes, paid off home, and doesn't work. Julio is barely getting by and finally asks Jose what's he doing wrong. Jose says look at your sign, "wife and 6 kids, need money". Look at my sign, "only need $10 to get back to Mexico"

[mikie]

Subject: COURT DRAMA - -- MONONGALIA COUNTY, WEST VIRGINIA !!!

Morgantown, WV (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Monongalia County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Cincinnati Bengals, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!!!
m

[mikie]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day
with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds
when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told
the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon
as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his
trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant!

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the
hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked a bout his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife
has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished, because it will be, more than likely, the last fishing trip
you ever take!'

'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messin' with you. She's
dead. What'd you catch?'

[Jim Koerber]

I started this thread like 4 years ago. It only took me like the last 3 years to remember my password. Feels great to be back!!!!

[Lazarus]

So a penguin notices that his car is leaking oil, so he drives it over to the repair shop. He tells the mechanic "My car seems to be leaking oil. Can you take a look at it?" The mechanic says "Sure. I'll get to it in a couple of minutes." So while he's waiting, the penguin walks across the street to the ice cream shop and orders a vanilla cone. Since penguins don't have hands, he has a little difficulty and the ice cream drops on his feet. So he walks back across the street and into the repair shop. His car is up on the lift with the mechanic underneath. The mechanic says "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replys "Nah, it's just a little ice cream."